TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
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Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
DOOO EEEET
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*