Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Is this you?

A new level of troll.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.