Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

Animal poetry

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

im 7 sauces long

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy