teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
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The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.