@JustinSayne722

Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War?

Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man.

T: ….

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@ThePhilFactor

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

@MikeDrucker

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

@girlontapas

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

@NotthatAdamWest

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

@ShawnIzadi

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

@Bob_Heller

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”345264325499428865″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”125″;s:5:”tweet”;s:125:”My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@obijawn

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit