Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
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Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Wait a second…
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]