Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

real

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.