Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
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being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.