Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.