Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
How it started: How it’s going:
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.