Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

“Why you watching this shit?”

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of