Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
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Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.