Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love