Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.