Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!