Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.