Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

Never let them know your next move 😂

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

I am having an out of money experience.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.