Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
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Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
