Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him