Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
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Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.