Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
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78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
knights of the ikea table
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
😭😭😭
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”