Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

Life cycle of cat

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol