Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
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Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album