teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
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British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”