Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

Creepy-crawlies

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.