teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
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Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
What the hell happened in there??
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining