Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
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If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY