teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
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*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
She puts the hot in psychotic
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Sponch
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.