You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
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Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My new favorite headline
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Bed should get ready for ME
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you