@HenpeckedHal

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

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@MacAnnabella

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

@OakHill_

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

@Staggfilms

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

@wolfpupy

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

@craiguito

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

@shkeeber

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON’T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I’LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!

@aPunch2theJunk

HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOUR LIFE:

Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.

@Mostly_Cheese

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.