Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
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Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.