teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
You Might Also Like
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I’m having an out of money experience.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads