teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
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me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
that wasn’t the question
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?