Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

Camel dough

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

scenes of unspeakable carnage

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.