Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.