Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Natural selection at its finest
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
