Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

I am also baked goods

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.