Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you