Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.