Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
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Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch