Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
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Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
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