Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
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me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
The options really are this bad
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol