Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.

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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.


If you want to take a date out for an expensive dinner may I suggest eating at the airport?


Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!


A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power.


I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?


It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.


They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.


Women treat me like God.

They only talk to me when they need something.


If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.