@pinupteacher

Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.

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@ObscureGent

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

@BrandonEsWolf

If you want to take a date out for an expensive dinner may I suggest eating at the airport?

@stevevsninjas

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

@Gooooats

A surprisingly large amount of responsibility also comes with zero power.

@ourvoyagemusic

I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?

@BobGolen

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

@SonOfCha

They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.

@HairyJew4Life

Women treat me like God.

They only talk to me when they need something.

@AngryRaccoon2

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.