@pinupteacher

Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.

Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.

- @pinupteacher

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@TheHyyyype

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

@TheAlexNevil

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

@DanielRosney

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

@ObscureGent

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

@Browtweaten

Friend: Why are you crying?

Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing

Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd

@SteveKoehler22

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

@Sickayduh

It’s late and I’m wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now.

I’d call her but I know she has a big algebra test tomorrow.

@jellybnbonanza

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”