Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.