Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok