Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

a god among men

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

feetloaf

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”