Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.