Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
💯😂
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned