Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

opening twitter today

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Wise advice

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be