Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”