teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
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I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.