Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
You Might Also Like
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
