Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
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Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
no refunds
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women