Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them