Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
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Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.