Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
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We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁