*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
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Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit