*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
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if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.