Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

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I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.