*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
How it started: How it’s going:
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.