Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

The prophecy is fulfilled

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.