Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Thursday Thought.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters