Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
You Might Also Like
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
