Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
You Might Also Like
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed