Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
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Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
These are so Plastic Man-core
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
This raises questions
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.