Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

oh shit

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.