Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

Seems legit

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.