Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

Smells like a challenge to me

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.