Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

#parenting