Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

husband: help me choose a baby name.

me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

extrovert: *answers unknown number*

introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse