[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
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[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.