Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Des Moines Police having a normal one

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me: