Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.