(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
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friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Accurate
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house