teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
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*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I put the mess in domestic.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are