teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
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My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
I feel seen
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.