teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
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You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
We cut our bangs at dawn.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.